i haven't written here in a while and i'm really okay with it...i might just not use this anymore.

livejournal is only 10 years old?

and how do i have a month left of my freshman year?

saw my mom. it was awkward, but nothing that shopping for clothes can't fix. i learned that i am still mad at her but i missed her too.

oh man this song takes me to 8th grade. back to weird dreams:
the night before last i had a dream that i was in hawaii with naomi, emma ploufee, emily lange, and emily langowitz. apparently i had a bungalow next to rachel child but couldn't remember how to get there. we had to leave immediately because there were torrential rains/a hurricane coming. so i never found my way back to the bungalow. so just naomi and i get to the airport to get home, and we get on the plane and it's like this HUGE double-decker plane set up like a stadium or something. and i take a seat next to my mom, but there's no feeling between us. instead i go to the level above us and hug this blonde woman who's slightly old like 50s or something and thank her for letting me stay with her. she feels like a foster mom or something.

it was really weird.


SPRING BREAK.

i have been having the WEIRDEST dreams. last night i had a dream i was late to work and got a parking ticket. in that dream i was giving gina a ride to bridgewater state...? weird. also the night before i had a dream that all my hair fell out

so today we went to the mall to get nicholas new glasses and to get me jeans. it was kinda depressing cause a. delias was PACKED with mothers. and my dad was awkwardly standing next to me and then just gave up and left to take nicholas to get his glasses. so i went into the dressing room alone while i had to see all these daughters asking their mother for their opinions, mothers sitting on the bench talking to each other about their daughter is doing this and that. and it occurred to me i may never have that again.

i'm not sure how i feel about it.

i bolded what i felt was TRULY accurate.

Name: sophie
Date: 2/19/2009
Colorgenics Number: 21356704

---

 

You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favourable impressions and to be recognised by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavours go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

The way things are at this time it is necessary to 'go slow'. All the pleasures that you have anticipated should be left in abeyance until some future date, but all is not lost, you are able to derive and achieve considerable gratification from someone quite close to you.

Stresses resulting from a recent disappointment have led to considerable trepidation. It would seem that there seems to be so much left undone. Everything surrounds you with that air of uncertainty. You badly need to feel a sense of security and whatever it takes to protect you against further disappointment. At this particular time you doubt that things could be any better in the future but you are sticking to your guns and refusing to take advice from any source.

You are presently worried about your future and you feel that whatever you do will go wrong. At this time you are your own worst enemy. All the disappointment that you have experienced, coupled with the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals, have led to anxiety. You would like recognition and a position of trust but you are concerned that these hopes and dreams may not be realised. You are very argumentative and insistent that you are right - maybe you are - but you are pushing too hard. Take it easy, let go, and smile. Smiling and agreeing with people works wonders - try it and see.

oh god i've been playing this mega millions for like 8 weeks. i actually have a list.
pay off my dad's debts. pay off my college tuition and set up a fund, set up a fund for my brother. pay off whatever debts my dads' family has. buy a house, buy a new car, shopping spree, then donate the rest to charities and struggling theatres.

 i think i ate way too much. or had too much cheese. either or. something went horribly horribly wrong. i had a panic attack that lasted for like 7 hours. you know the shaking, shivering, crying hoping to god that i won't throw up. my biggest fear in the entire world. so i laid down with my dad for like an hour, but a. he snores. b. it just wasn't gonna work out. so i went back to my bed feeling a bit better. then the entire night i kept waking up like every hour ON the hour going to the bathroom thinking i was going to throw up. i had a towel with me in my bed and washcloth on my head. and right now? in ten minutes i have a shift that starts at peet's. cool night! i still feel REALLY sick.

oh obviously finding food for kashi.

my dad is getting ripped off from the dude who is fixing our car. according to him, arthur, my dad and him had a verbal agreement to fix the doors on the car. my dad says they didn't. the doors are already fixed, so that's an extra 800 dollars out of my dad's pocket. i just can't believe in karma anymore. why does my dad keep getting screwed over? please let me win the lottery tonight. after i get my dad out of debt i will donate a lot to charity i swear. just please let me win.

the cybermen from doctor who.

life always seems to have a way for kicking me in the ass.
karma: doesn't exist.

oh i don't know. sunnydale high from buffy...however i would've probably died on graduation day. neptune high from veronica mars, just so i could feel veronica's pain with being with all 09'ers. OR hogwarts. hello, magic!

I honestly don't know. I love david tennant. I'd probably keep him for forever.

sooooooo papa is on the plane to hawaii and will be there for ten days. PARTY AT MY HOUSE. not really. at all. don't come over.

iii am waiting for my paycheck. i need $$!!! at least i got babysitting money! that'll hold me for...a day. and at least my dad gave me a card just for gas.

new years....cool......

i have a question. what have I, my brother, and/or my dad done to deserve so much bad karma? I mean, my dad works two jobs, and takes both paychecks to pay off debts that my mom incurred. when trying to escape life for a weekend to new york, we get in a car crash. we just found out that the car is TOTALED. because apparently the damage on the car is way more than the actual worth of the car. that's really cool. we need to get a new car. awesome. i can afford that no problem. oh wait.
so we have to find a car for like $4000 which is impossible. and we can't even prolong this because i need it to commute to umass lowell. and my jobs. i'm just so sick of everything going wrong for my family. especially my dad. he works so hard to get shit in return. my mom being a bitch, working two crap jobs, a debt that never goes away, getting mugged, car crash. i could go on. life is just always unfair.

so if anyone knows of a car for $4000 or a mechanic that'll repair my car for nothing...hit me up. please.

P.S. turns out my mom came here yesterday. she's so cool. loooooooooove herr

my mom is supposedly arriving tomorrow. i'm not sure i can handle this. knowing that she will be with him for new years instead of her family. i hate her for having control like this. and the control she has over my dad! it's heartbreaking. she treats him like shit and he still emails her making sure everything is okay, and fixing HER mistakes. i don't get why he is rewarding her bad behavior. hopefully i'll be able to sort everything in a few weeks and she'll either be in my life or not. there will be no halfway.

bracelet: http://jewelry.novica.com/bracelets/cuff/turquoise/bracelet-mystical-shield/103600/

peacoat: http://store.delias.com/item.do?categoryID=&itemID=50053&sizeFilter=&colorFilter=&brandFilter=

boots: http://store.delias.com/item.do?categoryID=556&itemID=50394&sizeFilter=&colorFilter=&brandFilter=